An open letter to VIPs moving around in Madras

Dear VIP,

Let me outright state that I am in complete agreement with you on the following items:

1. Your time is clearly more precious than mine. On a scale of preciousness, I am recycled plastic and you are African blue diamond.
2. Your desire to feel secure by moving around in a convoy of 30 Tata Safaris with assault-weapon toting black cat guards is perfectly understandable.
3. Your need to block regular traffic for 4 hours before and after your jaunts through the city are perfectly valid.

But you see, blocking traffic is a slightly expensive proposition. Not for you, but for us. Let me show you how.

Let us define a few variables first.

E = Exponentially humongous cost of petrol, diesel and other adulterated fuels burnt while millions of cars, vehicles and autos are idling.
F = Frighteningly large cost in Rupees (and not dollars) of regular people’s time (calculated from salary/regular hours of work x time spent in blocked traffic)
F = Frankly ludicrous cost in Rupees of Policemen’s time (calculated from salary/regular hours of work x time spent saluting at your speeding car and waving other traffic aside aggressively with radio receiver in hand)
I = Insane cost in Rupees of extra medical care required by every person not inside an A/C car, as a result of having to breathe noxious fumes from all the stalled vehicles.
N = Nightmarish cost of missed appointments, opportunities, flights and trains
G = Glaring cost of damages incurred as a result of road rage arising from frustration at being stuck in blocked traffic.
M = Monstrous cost of psychiatrists’ fees incurred as a result of depression arising from missed appointments and opportunities.
A = Abominable cost of alcohol purchased from TASMAC stores as a result of aforementioned depression.
D = Despicable cost of medical fees incurred as a result of frustrated appointment-missing men drinking aofrementioned alcohol and beating their wives back home in the evening.
N= Notorious cost of extra rupees charged by Madras autowallahs who blame the traffic blocks as a reason for charging Rs 200 from a ride from Central station to Ripon building.
E = Exorbitant cost of medical fees incurred as a result of being beaten up by rowdy autowallahs who didn’t quite like your “What saar, You are not making Kaamedy Keemedi no?” at hearing the quoted fare as stated above.
S = Seriously significant cost of lawyers fees incurred as a result of increased divorces as wives start to accuse spouses (and vice versa) of being “a totally stuck-up person”.
S = Sheer cost of irony present in the factor mentioned above.

So as you can see, multiplying all the variables, we get

Total Cost = E.F.F.I.N.G.M.A.D.N.E.S.S

And in fact, it’s so large that nobody even bothers computing it. So before you ignore this post for being yet another rant on VIPs blocking traffic, let me reassure you that, for a change, I have a solution. An elegant solution to completely get rid of traffic blocks. Helicopters. Yes. All your security, convoys and the cost mentioned above are being incurred by the taxpayer in any case. So I suggest that you use helicopters to fly from point A to point B in any city. The cost of a helicopter is about a lakh an hour, I am told. But the key thing to be noted is that

Cost of Helicopters < E.F.F.I.N.G.M.A.D.N.E.S.S

In fact, the only reason I use the modest “<” symbol here is that there is no equivalent mathematical sign for depicting “mindbogglingly small compared to”.

Go ahead, and splurge our tax money on helicopters. Even fit them with saunas and home theaters if you want. And oh, get armoured copters if you wish to feel safe in addition to reducing your commute time by a factor of gazillion. It will still be much cheaper than what you are costing us today. So just get your respectworthy posteriors off the road.

Thank you
A Madras Citizen typing this from his laptop while being stuck in traffic waiting for some VIPs to get from point A to point B.

ps: If you VIPs prefer visual modes of communication, what I am saying is,

Let’s move from

withouthelis.jpg

To

helicopters.jpg

18 Comments so far

  1. Uday (unregistered) on December 20th, 2007 @ 9:02 pm

    Good one krish,

    I always wished all VIP’s, CM’s were educated well on pollution and growing env concerns.


  2. ag (unregistered) on December 20th, 2007 @ 9:14 pm

    Ha Ha! Good one. They should also stop the freakingly insane nadu road pandal meetings and also refrain from ‘aesthetically beautifying’ all the walls in city with their beloved leaders’ faces!


  3. foo (unregistered) on December 20th, 2007 @ 9:27 pm

    Aaaa? Velai Illadha Payalukku helicopteraa? Make them walk to work I say. Do we see convoys moving around in DC, or London, or even Moscow? At least there the sensible strategy was used to make the politician in charge live right in the office building itself. Chennai has that practice for the Governor, but seriously, who wants to assassinate the Governor, just because he/she is a useless rubber stamp? Make the CM live right in the Fort St George campus, which will at least spare the rest of us the idiot’s daily commute, and to hell with their personal residences.


  4. SARA (unregistered) on December 20th, 2007 @ 9:57 pm

    ..there is no equivalent mathematical sign for depicting “mindbogglingly small compared to”…

    Cost of Helicopters < E.F.F.I.N.G.M.A.D.N.E.S.S

    nice post.


  5. Navneeth (unregistered) on December 20th, 2007 @ 10:01 pm

    Regarding the “mathematical sign for depicting “mindbogglingly small compared to”,” you can use <.
    (Sorry, couldn’t resist. :D)

    Nice post. :)


  6. Navneeth (unregistered) on December 20th, 2007 @ 10:05 pm

    Aarghh…stupid HTML. I meant to say two consecutive ‘less than’ symbols.


  7. Vivek (unregistered) on December 20th, 2007 @ 11:30 pm

    Ha. Ha. Ha. VERY GOOD ONE. It is 100% True and I totally agree with it.

    One the other side, most of the VIP’s here are like 3rd standard failed, rowdies, gundas, kabadiwallas – eall lected by the Citizens of India.
    They cannot understand Mathematics. They learnt numbers from 0 to 9 and set off to make money.
    So, the SAD part is NO VIP’s is gonna read this post coz, they dont know english and even if they do they cannot understand maths.


  8. www.chennaipc.com (unregistered) on December 21st, 2007 @ 7:49 am

    hi friend ,, really a god point for the VIP’s , but heli coptor konjam over than,, cycle la poga sollu


  9. Ram (unregistered) on December 21st, 2007 @ 10:45 am

    very good piece is the ‘fgmadness’ – will the politicians ever realise the havoc they are causing to the public? this sort of security is no good for crowded streets in chennai and other cities. for them it is a status symbol, for the public it is terror.


  10. David (unregistered) on December 21st, 2007 @ 11:03 am

    Krish, awesome post. This post speaks for every Chennai citizen’s frustration with so called ‘VIP movements’. As such it represents the vox populi! Keep them coming.


  11. sundar (unregistered) on December 21st, 2007 @ 12:48 pm

    krish,
    nice visual plea. that first pic still only shows a lightly loaded gemini flyover! :-) now there isn’t a VIP that’s going to bother looking into this. Besides for unhappy office goers like us the only respite when stuck up in traffic is to look at the clear skies!! So let’s not crowd that space too!

    VIPs are not the only reason to block traffic. It’ll be nice if the sensible and educated among us learn to drive properly and respect other motorists’ space on the road. I’d like to see people move out of intimidating toyota innovas and the likes to pollution-free bicycles! hey, you get some of the coolest bikes nowadays and laptop-friendly knapsacks! solves your problem? ;-)


  12. Clement (unregistered) on December 21st, 2007 @ 12:55 pm

    Hey cool post. I wonder if we can file a PIL asking for such cars to be banned during peak hours? After all are not these people called public servants? Time they started acting their role. Was told by my wife that our Governor asked for a programme that he was scheduled to attend be fixed at 11 AM so that his entourage does not hold up the rush hour traffic. Wish this gets contagious.


  13. PlaneMad (unregistered) on December 21st, 2007 @ 3:15 pm

    and awesome work on the images too, hahaha


  14. sachin (unregistered) on December 23rd, 2007 @ 2:26 pm

    rockin!

    Krish… im waiting to hear your solution to the auto problem now!


  15. udayms (unregistered) on December 24th, 2007 @ 4:22 pm

    Masterpiece!!!! :) Amazing style !!! :)


  16. Dilip Muralidaran (unregistered) on December 25th, 2007 @ 2:20 am

    Fantastic post. I appreciate the hard work and thought process behind this one. Lovely work Kiran.


  17. Desigirl (unregistered) on December 28th, 2007 @ 4:51 pm

    Taking over metblogs now aa?? NadathungaL!
    ps: orey the photoshop louwe eh?


  18. Mano (unregistered) on December 31st, 2007 @ 3:36 pm

    Very good reading. But most of the VIPs moving in Chennai may not be able to read English. Ha!Ha!Ha!



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